Jun 15
This week I break my cardinal rule of only interviewing women with ADHD on the podcast, which should tell you just how strongly I believe in author and marriage consultant Melissa Orlov’s work. Melissa may not have ADHD herself, but her daughter does, which is exactly what prompts Melissa to learn as much about ADHD as she possibly can. She dove deep into the research, even working alongside renowned ADHD expert, Dr. Edward Hallowell, one of my only other guest to break the podcast rule (go back to Episode 106 to listen to his insightful interview).
All of Melissa’s research led her to the surprising realization that her own husband had ADHD as well. Hello, rabbit ---> bunny! Suddenly, all of the disagreements that they’d been having for years around their relationship suddenly made sense. With this realization came a new level of compassion and understanding for each other. Together Melissa and her husband were finally able to find solutions and create systems that worked for both of them.
Since this marriage-saving discovery, Melissa has been researching and writing about how ADHD impacts relationships and marriage with the goal of providing others with the roadmap she and her husband wish they’d had sooner. Whether you’re in a relationship with a neurotypical or another ADHDer, Melissa has some helpful tips and insights that may just end that argument about emptying the dishwasher for good.
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"People put way too much stock on efficiency, as far as I’m concerned, rather than quality, compassion, and love for each other."
- Melissa Orlov
"When we’re struggling we tend to pay attention to the differences, but the similarities are still there, even if they’re in the background."
- Melissa Orlov
"Attention deficit is not actually about attention deficit, it’s actually about attention dysregulation."
- Melissa Orlov
- Melissa shares her personal journey of discovering her husband's ADHD and how it impacted their relationship, despite being married for over 20 years.
- Melissa explains that many couples struggle with understanding and managing ADHD symptoms in their relationship, leading to negative patterns and misunderstandings.
- Melissa discusses her experience with her husband's ADHD, including his emotional dysregulation and difficulty with everyday living tasks.
[20:09 - 32:27] ADHD Relationships: Differences and Challenges
- Melissa emphasizes the importance of both partners being committed to fighting for the relationship, as denial can lead to divorce rather than ADHD itself being the cause.
- Melissa suggests that couples with ADHD may experience stress in managing household tasks, leading to feelings of frustration and burden.
- Melissa describes the "chore wars" in ADHD relationships, where the non-ADHD partner feels overwhelmed and resentful due to the ADHD partner's difficulty with household tasks.
- Melissa explains that a coordination meeting between ADHD partners involves both partners being accountable for their tasks and checking in with each other to ensure they're on track.
- Melissa discusses how ADHD affects women in relationships, particularly in terms of social constructs and stereotypes.
- Melissa suggests creating a system to help her husband remember tasks and responsibilities to support her in feeling more connected and cared for in their relationship.
Melissa’s website: adhdmarriage.com
Her couples’ seminar: The ADHD Effect In-Depth
Her book: The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps
