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June 16
When you live with ADHD, it’s easy to get stuck in a cycle of overwhelm, shutdown, and shame. But what if there’s a way to interrupt that pattern without judgment, without spiraling, and without trying to “fix” yourself?
Vanessa Gorelkin is a licensed therapist, executive coach, and returning favorite on the podcast. With 30 years of experience across clinical care and executive leadership, she specializes in helping ADHD women find clarity, stability, and actual tools that work. In this episode, she introduces us to Internal Family Systems (IFS), a powerful framework that helps us make sense of our emotional chaos by getting curious instead of self-critical.
Tracy and Vanessa dive into the difference between the “manager” and “firefighter” parts of our brain, how IFS can reframe emotional dysregulation, and why so many high-achieving women with ADHD still feel like they’re “too much.” They also talk about the surprising way shame shows up in our daily lives, and how compassion is more than just self-care; it’s a powerful strategy for long-term emotional regulation.
Vanessa also shares how IFS creates space for your inner world to feel less chaotic, less punishing, and more connected. You’ll learn how identifying and working with your internal parts can build self-awareness, reduce reactive patterns, and unlock a deeper sense of agency.
Whether you’re new to IFS or already deep into parts work, this episode offers real, relatable guidance for anyone looking to create more emotional balance and self-trust.
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"When you start talking to the parts of you that are scared, reactive, or shut down… you realize none of them are trying to ruin your life. They’re all trying to protect you."
- Vanessa Gorelkin
"No matter how damaged you feel by your ADHD, no matter how many difficulties that you've had, I can guarantee there's a self in there. There is a wise mind."
- Vanessa Gorelkin
"Self-criticism might feel like control, but curiosity is what actually moves us forward."
- Vanessa Gorelkin
"You can’t punish yourself into growth. You can only invite yourself into it."
- Vanessa Gorelkin
"I’m not here to fight my brain anymore. I’m here to understand it, and build a life that honors how it works."
- Vanessa Gorelkin
- Vanessa Gorokin explains IFS as viewing our inner life as having different "parts" like a team - perfectionist, procrastinator, or critic parts - which is completely normal and how we naturally develop in response to life experiences.
- She shares helping her sister overcome evening exercise resistance by acknowledging her tired part's needs rather than fighting it, demonstrating how curiosity about parts works better than force.
- The key principle is getting curious about our parts instead of fighting them, recognizing each part developed for protective reasons and has valuable information rather than being "bad."
- Common ADHD parts include the perfectionist (stops us from starting tasks), procrastinator (fears doing things wrong), and inner child parts that rebel against structure and authority from past criticism.
- Self-criticism isn't "bad talk" but information from parts trying to communicate, requiring curiosity over judgment by asking "what is this part trying to tell me?"
- For emotional regulation, she suggests pausing to listen to dysregulated parts (like Monday work anxiety) rather than pushing through, allowing parts to express concerns before recruiting stronger parts to help.
[00:55:00 - 01:07:55] Practical IFS Applications and Crisis Tools
- Vanessa provides a simple exercise: while doing dishes mindfully, listen without judgment to voices or feelings that arise, noting everyone naturally speaks in parts language ("part of me wants this").
- She emphasizes this is "democratized therapy" people can safely try at home, requiring only curiosity and compassion toward whatever parts emerge during quiet moments.
- Her favorite ADHD workaround is creating a "crisis kit" with sensory items like hot sauce, sour candy, alcohol swabs, or textured objects for emotional regulation when stuck in challenging situations.
